I just told a client this today. We have to go back so that we can move forward. It’s not always going to be this way! Healing is coming!!!

You aren’t meant to just “deal” with triggers. They are indicators of what needs and deserves to be healed.

To those who have also experienced trauma and abuse, you are so heavy on my heart this morning. Healing doesn’t mean we don’t still wrestle with these thoughts, healings means that we wrestle with them differently. I’m cheering for you and I love you so much.

My husband asked how I got out and got home. I immediately felt so stupid for never have even thought to wonder that. And the weird part was, I had no answer. I had absolutely no idea how I got out. Several weeks later, I had my first night terror. I was back in the bathroom of his tiny trailer. My feet were stretched out trying to hold the door closed. He was trying so hard to get in. My little heart was racing and pounding. I knew somehow all along what he wanted. I was absolutely terrified. I woke up in a panic attack and awoke Ira. He has always had a way of being a calming, safe comfort during anxiety and panic attacks. It was within that next few days that I started having random flashbacks and all of these memories and intense feelings came rushing back to my conscious memory. Art eventually made it in the bathroom. I was backed into a corner and trying to fight him off. He was hitting me, pushing me, trying to grab me. I made my way to the hallway where we continued to fight. He was trying to force me one way - to his bedroom. I was fighting this grown man to go the other way - out the front door. Slamming my head again the walls. All over the place. At some point he hits me with something very hard (felt like metal) on my head. Next thing I know, I’m being drug to the back bedroom by my pony tail.

I have always had the memory of going to this old man’s house who lived in the same trailer park we did. My friend who lived next door invited me over. Her and I loved to play Nintendo and she told me that this cool old guy had grocery sacks full of every game in his living room! So off we went. I’ve always had the memory of us knocking on the door. I was maybe 8ish. This old man, with white hair and sloppy clothes answered the door and immediately I saw 4-5 paper grocery sacks filled to the top with Nintendo games. I was thrilled and ready to play! I could see his system set up ahead just waiting for me to pick any game I wanted… The only other thing I remember from being at this man’s house is being in the bathroom on the toilet. I had shut the door, but not locked it. He quickly made his way to the door and was trying to push his way into the bathroom. My little legs were stretched out as far as they could to the door in front of me as I desperately tried to prevent him from coming in. All as I sat on the toilet. And that’s it. That’s all I knew for over 30 years of my life! Never once did I even wonder how I got out. That was, until my husband asked me.

I am so proud of you. You are so loved. Keep going. Keep breathing. It won’t always be like this. You will get to the other side of this. I’m living proof.

We are not going to “have time” to do what we want, become who we want, until we start making big moves and adjusting priorities.

Where is my time going? What am I being fed? It will have a direct effect on me. It will have a direct effect on my marriage. Direct effect on my thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Laughter is so healing. Make time to laugh each day. Seriously.

Just so you know…

What are they?!

Codependency is a trauma response, just as hyper independence is a trauma response. We are created for community. We can heal and choose inter-dependence.

As I lay in bed under a queen size heated blanket…

What were y’all up to? I have been a busy gal! I would say there are several things I’m proud… even more that I’m not proud of! Ha! One of my biggest accomplishments is adding marriage to my therapy focus! It’s amazing how trauma affects marriage and relationship!!!! My husband and I have absolutely experienced this in our marriage. It’s continually a privilege to serve people! 🥹🥹 #happynewyear #happynewyear2024

We are so exciting to share our stories with you, and how you can help protect your loved ones!!!!

Training class a month from today!

Did you know about the second type of grooming? #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #prison #attachment #daddyissues #fallenpastors #divorce #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation #freshstart #iowa #desmoines #EMDR

I was in her bedroom. The woman who trafficked me. I was simultaneously being pushed onto the bed and at the same time having my head yanked back by my pony tail. I was taking punches and being literally thrown around by a very grown woman. I wasn’t even close to my age hitting double digits yet. “Aren’t you being kind of rough on her?” Came the voice of her husband who was standing in the corner watching. I remember looking at him at one point and not being able to understand why he didn’t ever try to stop her, to protect me. A thought I had previously wondered during other abuse, and a belief that would soon be formed in stone that I’m disposable, only here for the pleasure of others, and that I would never be safe. #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #prison #attachment #daddyissues #fallenpastors #divorce #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation #freshstart #iowa #desmoines

What was your grooming experience? #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #prison #attachment #daddyissues #fallenpastors #divorce #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation #freshstart #iowa

We lived with my grandparents in Indiana, again. My mom gave birth to my brother, and 9 months later we moved to Iowa. I was just a couple months shy of turning 5. My mom, the bravest person I know, took a 4 year old and a 9 month old and moved to a brand new place to work at one of my (many) uncle’s churches. We lived in the house behind the church and she cleaned the church part time until they were able to hire her on staff as a secretary. This was a fresh start for our family, or so we thought. There were many kind people who helped us out. And then there was a couple who was very helpful but had ulterior motives. Sexual predators are unbelievably skilled at living their double lives. This can be a reason why survivors aren’t believed, because the predator did a successful job on created an altruistic fake life to mask their true selves. This next part is where my life is more drastically altered than anything else. The madam and her husband infiltrate our lives successfully and deceitfully. Our family was the perfect target. Young, single mom of two young kids, starting their lives in a brand new place, no money. #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #prison #attachment #daddyissues #fallenpastors #divorce #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation #freshstart #iowa #madam

#trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #prison #attachment #daddyissues #fallenpastors #divorce #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation #freshstart #iowa #sexualabusefacts #rainn

I only have a handful of pics of me and my father from when my parents were married, and 80% of them are the couple times to visit him in prison. While he was in prison, and especially while awaiting trial, the news coverage became nationwide. All of the news outlets set up camp outside the house we were staying in with people who were from the church and trying to protect us (remember the man and his wife who are my first memory in life?). Apparently, it was intense. They left the phone off the hook. If I had to go to the doctor, they formed a human shield around my mom and me to get to and from the car. Not all of them were bad. Fast forward to my father getting out of prison. And having spent so much time begging my mom to stay and denying the accusations, my mom gave him one more chance. We moved to Florida for a fresh start. Where, against my mom’s pleading, my father decide to pastor another church. My mom became pregnant with my brother and I was 4 at the time. She had noticed that a woman from the church kept calling the house and asking for my dad, etc. My mom was clearly already suspicious. She had taken me to visit some family for a short trip and upon arriving back at home, she woke up the next day and as she was getting out of bed she found a hair tie. She walked her pregnant self over to that chicks house and asked her if it was hers and the woman said yes. My mom was done. She packed things up and her brother came to get us and bring us back to Indiana. Almost time for a fresh start, but things rapidly go downhill for me. #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #prison #attachment #daddyissues #fallenpastors #divorce #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation #freshstart #iowa

Have you had a parent or caregiver go to jail/prison? #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #prison #attachment #daddyissues #fallenpastors #divorce #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation #incarceration

We started to get intense with these posts, but I have barely scratched the surface. I want you to be aware of things that are going to be coming. I am going to share my experienced being sexually trafficked/exploited. What that “training” looked like. Being hunted with other kids for sport. Demonic raping. Being tied up, gang raped, locked in a chest, tortured, etc. Please consider the above a trigger warning that is ongoing for all posts. But first, let’s take a little “reprieve” (not really, just wait) and talk about my life before these memories came back. My parents got married right after my father graduated from #hylesanderson (gross) and within a couple weeks they moved to New York to help pastor a struggling church. A couple of years later I was born. Fast forward to me being around 1.5 years old… my father was arrested, during a sermon was preaching at church. This came as a huge shock to my precious mother, obviously. He was taken, in shackles, through the airport and flown to Virginia for the trial. He was accused of MANY counts of ra/pe from when he was the youth pastor at his dad’s church in VA. He ra/ped many girls who were underage in the youth group, and he was in a position of power. Somehow, he only got 23 months in federal prison (don’t get me started on these laws that only protect the rapists and predators). #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #prison #attachment #daddyissues #fallenpastors #divorce #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation

#trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation #healing #jesusrestores

The amazing part of EMDR is that is keeps both sides of your brain working together so that you can process the trauma and stay grounded. Verses fully going into fight-flight-freeze-fawn and thus being unable to use the rational side of the brain. (Again, more later). During my session my heart is literally pounding. I feel slightly out of breath, since I was in the memory. The weirdest part was when I could feel the pain on the side of my head after being hit in the head, and also when I was drug by my pony tail. My memory then goes to being back in his bedroom. My friend is dancing around with some toy (she is a couple years younger than me) and I am laying on the bed and he is sitting next to me. I’m not sure if I blacked out from the head wound, or if the processing just went to the next necessary part for me to know. He is now being very calm, comforting, & gentle. But in a very sick way. He is touching me externally down below and telling me that he just wants to show me how good it feels. I do remember that it did feel good. I remember smiling at him, which sickens me. I also remember how I knew it was wrong and not ok to be touched that way. And that I was scared he was going to kill me. Next thing I know, I remember running out the front door and before I even got to there my brain knew I couldn’t handle it and completely wiped it from my conscious memory. Yet, our bodies continue to respond regardless of it is conscious memory or not. #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #trailerpark #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation

#trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #trailerpark #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation

My husband asked how I got out and got home. I immediately felt stupid for never have even thinking to wonder that. And the weird part was, I had no answer. I had absolutely no idea how I got out. Several weeks later, I had my first night terror. I was back in the bathroom of his tiny trailer. My feet were stretched out. He was trying so hard to get in. My little heart was racing and pounding. I knew somehow all along what he wanted. I was absolutely terrified. I woke up to a panic attack and awoke Ira to share my dream and for his comfort. He has always had a way of being a calming, safe, comfort during anxiety and panic attacks. It was within that next few days that I started having random flashbacks and all of these memories and intense feelings came rushing to to my conscious mind. He eventually made it in the bathroom. I was backed into a corner and trying to fight him off. My brain was 100% in fighting for my life. He was hitting me, pushing me, trying to grab me. I made my way to the hallway where we continued to fight. He was trying to force me one way - to his bedroom. I was fighting this grown man to go the other way - out the front door. Slamming my head again the walls. All over the place. At some point he hits me with something very hard (felt like metal) on my head. Next thing I know, I’m being drug to the back bedroom by my pony tail. I want to pause for a moment. All of these details came out during EMDR (Soon, I will address what type of therapy that is in a future post). During EMDR processing, you are activating part of a trauma event. So you are feeling it in every way possible. (See book “The Body Keeps The Score”) (See part 3) #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #trailerpark #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze #dissociation

Ever wonder how someone can not remember being abused? It’s called “Dissociation” and it’s way more common than you think! #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #trailerpark #physicalabuse #fightflightfreeze

Here we are again. I’m so appreciate that you’ve joined this journey and have allowed me to space to share my story! I greatly hope that people are encouraged, given hope, and feel seen here. I see you. I have always had the memory of going to this old man’s house who lived in the same trailer park we did. My friend who lived next door invited me over. Her and I loved to play Nintendo NES (I’m old lol) and she told me that this cool old guy had grocery sacks full of every game in his living room! So off we went! I’ve always had the memory of us knocking on the door. I was maybe 8ish. (More on why I don’t know specifics to come later). This old man, with white hair and sloppy clothes answered the door and immediately I saw 4-5 paper grocery sacks filled to the top with Nintendo games. I was thrilled and ready to play! I could see his system set up ahead just waiting for me to pick any game I wanted. This is where my memory stops. The only other thing I remember from being at this man’s house is being in the bathroom on the toilet. I had shut the door, but not locked it. He quickly made his way to the door and was trying to push his way into the bathroom. My little legs were stretched out as far as they could to the door in front of me as I desperately tried to prevent him from coming in. All as I sat on the toilet. And that’s it. That’s all I knew for over 30 years of my life! Never once did I even wonder how I got out. That was, until my husband asked me. (See part 2) #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF #trailerpark

There has been a lot of talk in the past couple years about #cognitivedissonance Here is a simple definition with 2 examples. Let me know if you have any questions and I’d be happy to help!

My third birthday. Another picture that tells a story. It was around this time that I have my very first memory in life. It was the first time I was molested. My very first memory in life is abuse. My father had just gotten out of prison. (We might touch on that later). And here I was with my mom and dad celebrating my birthday. I can only think of maybe a handful of pictures with me and both of my parents before they divorced when was 4. But I’ve gotten ahead of myself. My dad was previously a pastor. An older man at their church is the one who molested me. I remember him touching me sexually outside my genital area and inside my vagina. I also remember his wife standing there as well. Disgusting. Both of them, equally. These are the same couple who “protected” my mom and myself from the news outlets when my father was arrested. His arrest was nationwide news and news crews from all over the country as he was arrested and during the trial. This is part of why people have trouble believing survivors. Because the people who use and abuse are experts at creating double lives. So when an accusation is made, people have trouble believing the truth. #cognitivedissonance From what my mom shared after this memory came to light, this man also abused his own daughter, and I have absolutely no doubt that many others were also his victims. #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF

Let’s address some information about trauma! What is it? Why does it happy to some and not others? What are some types of trauma? Have I said the word trauma enough?! 🙃 #trauma #abuse #sexualabuse #molestation #rape #mystory #therapy #jesshalltherapy #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #churchabuse #spiritualabuse #braveAF

5 years ago my therapist and I were sorting through the past abuse that my brain had dissociated from. I was 31ish and trying to come to terms that I was abused at all. We were working on me being able to say out loud “I am a survivor of sexual abuse.” Which took me weeks btw. We got to a point in EMDR where my therapist asked me to look at pictures of my childhood. These are my school pictures from 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. I couldn’t believe what I saw in these photos. Join me as I continue to share my story, piece by piece. Feel free to share with anyone you know who has survived abuse as well. #therapy #emdr #traumatherapist #abuse #abusesurvivor #humantrafficking #sexualexploitation #survivor #hope #freedom

Now is a great time to start working things out to be free to live the life you were created for! #therapy #therapyworks #emdr